


Torture: Most Bizarre and Terrible

by thingswithwings



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alien Planet, Bondage, Chromatic Character, Gen, Misunderstanding, naked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-18
Updated: 2008-06-18
Packaged: 2017-10-24 04:50:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/259193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingswithwings/pseuds/thingswithwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this to cheer the internet up one day when the internet was sad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torture: Most Bizarre and Terrible

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Batman episode that Rodney mentions.

"So, this is . . . intimate," Rodney says. His breath skitters along John's naked belly.

"That is something of an understatement," Teyla says, and John can't see her, but he can hear her grimace. He can also feel her breasts where they're pressing against his right shoulder.

John tries to bend his knees a little more so that he can get a grip on the ropes that bind his wrists to his ankles, but no amount of squirming and shimmying allows him to quite reach the knots. Being hog-tied isn't as much fun as he'd imagined it would be.

"Uh, can you stop that?" Ronon mutters. John looks down – as much as he's able to look down – and notices what he's been squirming and shimmying against.

"Oh," he says, embarrassed. "Sorry, buddy."

"On Sateda, you'd have to at least buy me flowers first," Ronon grumbles.

They're all quiet for a moment. Then John starts to hear a steady, rhythmic chomping sound.

"Okay, who's attempting to gnaw through the ropes?" Rodney's breath tickles John's bellybutton every time he speaks; John tenses his abdomen.

"Me," Teyla says. "I thought perhaps if they were made of a soft fiber, I could tear them."

Silence again. "And?" Rodney prompts. He shifts his knees where they're bound to John's torso. Or possibly Ronon's torso, but John thinks it's his torso. Or maybe both torsos.

"My mouth hurts now," Teyla says. Her arms are looped around John's neck, so he has a good view of her hands as she tries to move her wrists and loosen the ropes.

"Hey," Rodney says suddenly, "does this remind you of that Batman episode? Where Batman and Batgirl and Robin are all tied in a Siamese human knot?"

"No," John says severely.

Rodney sighs, tickling John's belly. John squirms away and into Ronon. Ronon tries to kick him, but misses and kicks Teyla, who's startled and pulls her hands back towards her body; unfortunately, this means that she brings the rope against John's throat and starts cutting off the blood flow to his brain. John squirms more.

The whole thing escalates, and for a few helpless minutes they're all panting and half-rolling on the ground, trying to escape the ever-tightening coils of rope.

"Everybody stop moving!" Teyla yells, finally, her patience obviously long gone.

They all do. They're even further entangled now, and John's pretty sure he has rope burn in several inconvenient places.

"Anyone asphyxiated?" John asks, trying to ease his arm away from the rough ropes binding Ronon's biceps.

"Oh, yes, Colonel, I am – I can't breathe, can you help me with that?" Rodney answers sarcastically. After all the rolling around, Rodney's head is no longer pillowed on John's belly, but now sort of on his hip and upper thigh. John tries not to imagine the picture they're making.

"Ronon? Teyla?"

"I am all right."

"M'fine. Move your ass, McKay."

"Oh, you _wish_ – "

John feels Teyla exhale harshly against his neck in frustration.

"Shut up, both of you." John snaps.

Rodney's knee pokes John in the nipple.

"Ow," John says, and headbutts Rodney's shin.

"Shhhhh," Teyla says, suddenly, her arms tensing against John's neck. "I hear someone coming."

They all go still.

Nothing happens.

"I'm getting a muscle cramp!" Rodney stage-whispers. Teyla bites him on the ankle.

"Quiet," she hisses.

They wait like that a moment longer, and eventually the guards come into the tent. John doesn't have a very good view from the dirt pit he's lying in, but he thinks he sees the leader they met earlier, standing just behind the guards.

"Uh, hi," the leader says. "Listen, we've been in contact with your home world, and it seems like this was all just a misunderstanding. Once I get someone from judiciary to sign the order, we'll be able to release you."

" . . . okay," John says cautiously.

"Can you untie us _now_?" Ronon asks, managing to sound threatening even though he's naked and tied up. John envies that.

"Oh, oh no," the leader says quickly. "No, it is against the law to release you before the order is signed. But we will be back shortly! Have no fear!" With that, the leader bustles out of the tent, the guards behind him.

"We will just wait here, then," Teyla calls behind him. John grins, and he feels Rodney shaking with silent laughter against his thigh.

"I hate all of you," Ronon says, but John's pretty sure he's laughing too. John lets his head fall back against Teyla's shoulder.

"C'mon guys, this calls for a celebration," John says seriously. "Group hug!"

By the time the guards show up to free them, ten minutes later, John's pretty sure the rope burns are permanent.


End file.
